I struggle with anxiety mostly when it comes to social situations, but there are other times where it spikes. Loud music, loud talking, yelling-basically just loudness in general-has a way of causing the anxiety to make an appearance.

I am terrified of loud noises.

Once, I was in the backseat of my friend’s car and the music was loud, but not too loud,

just loud enough for my ears to throb

And my heart to race.

My nails dug into the newly polished leather seat.

I closed my eyes, wishing I could close my ears just as easily.

I started sweating, wishing I could be somewhere else.

The beats just continued.

Boom boom boom

It was like I was trapped in the center of a raging war, and my body refused to wave a white flag,

So the bombs just kept dropping.

Of course, I wouldn’t tell my friend this.

For many reasons.

Although, I needed to explain to her why I needed the music to stop.

A few thoughts came to mind-

I could lie to her, and just say that I’m acting like this because I prefer musicals over Aerosmith

(which is totally true, by the way)

Or I could say that since birth, every time I would make a mistake, someone would raise their voice at me.

Causing my insides to shake,

much like the bass in this song is doing now.

Making me afraid to ever make a mistake again.

I could say that I used to sob

every time I would hear the volume of someone’s voice rise.

But at a young age, I realized that people would laugh at me for crying,

which I have always found a little messed up, ya know? It’s like, hey, I’m sad, you should be happy about that.

I didn’t cry, but I could feel the anxiety creeping up my spine as her fingers turned up sound.

The window was my personal bible.

I had faith that the outside world would come and save me from this war.

I prayed that the trees would just stretch their branches over to me, and wrap them around my arm

Let them give me a car ride instead.

My breath quickened

My heart started to beat to the rhythm of this torturous song.

My ears went numb.

My eyes were still closed.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

The spiraling of the road mixed with the lump in my throat.

My head ached in the worst possible way.

I was wondering if my friend even remembered my existence in her backseat

I thought that I was shaking enough for the entire car to shake with me.

Her fingers kept turning the paint chipped knob

Stereo vibrating, nearly busted speakers screamed

Screamed and screamed.

“Hey, are you okay?”

I open my eyes.

Everything suddenly disappeared, the beats and voices stopped.

As I looked at my friend, worried expression painted on her face,

I realized that the song was never even playing.

Radio quiet, volume down.

The entire time, it was just the beat to a broken record in my mind.

…it still happens.

-jls

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