Is beautiful standing in front of the mirror,

Stripped down to my foundation,

Arms touching thighs,

Feet brushing against carpet,

Perfume stained skin?

Long day leaving my eyes a mess,

Stress after stress.

I am too ashamed to wear a dress.

Body turned to profile

The curves of my belly, breasts,

The beating of my chest increasing

Blurry mirror in need of cleaning

Trying to convince me of my worth.

Once, someone told me that I could train myself to breathe in a different way.

It’s called diaphragmatic breathing.

Instead of your chest rising when you

inhale, you store the oxygen in your belly.

It allows you to take a deeper breath, and gives you a strong, powerful voice when you speak.

When I breathe this way, with my belly, in front of my reflection,

I can’t help but notice that it also causes my stomach to grow

Sticking out a little more than it usually would.

I remember one of the many articles I’ve read online

About “beach bodies” and “keto diets”

I start to wonder if a flat stomach means more than a confident voice..

I wish I lived somewhere where I had a choice.

Somewhere where I can go to the supermarket, and not spot a magazine that hands out the spells to make the little rounds and bumps of my body

disappear.

This isn’t magic.

It’s just a trick.

They tell me that I am not beautiful.

I think about the little boy or girl that will live in that same stomach someday..

How dare I be ashamed of such a beautiful home!

You wouldn’t want your children to grow up, and hate their shape too?

Would you?

..that just makes me feel worse.

I disregard my reflection after a solid 10 or 20 minutes

Once I’ve beaten myself up about eating 3 meals today instead of 2

Once I’ve bruised my tears with my angry fists.

You can’t exist if you’re hungry.

I sit in my swivel chair,

Soft blue pained nails match my laptop keys

Fingers become one with the words

My eyes look down,

Skin presses against skin,

Hills of magic.

The lining of my underwear is embroidered with the word “beautiful”

What does that mean?

-jls

I struggle with anxiety mostly when it comes to social situations, but there are other times where it spikes. Loud music, loud talking, yelling-basically just loudness in general-has a way of causing the anxiety to make an appearance.

I am terrified of loud noises.

Once, I was in the backseat of my friend’s car and the music was loud, but not too loud,

just loud enough for my ears to throb

And my heart to race.

My nails dug into the newly polished leather seat.

I closed my eyes, wishing I could close my ears just as easily.

I started sweating, wishing I could be somewhere else.

The beats just continued.

Boom boom boom

It was like I was trapped in the center of a raging war, and my body refused to wave a white flag,

So the bombs just kept dropping.

Of course, I wouldn’t tell my friend this.

For many reasons.

Although, I needed to explain to her why I needed the music to stop.

A few thoughts came to mind-

I could lie to her, and just say that I’m acting like this because I prefer musicals over Aerosmith

(which is totally true, by the way)

Or I could say that since birth, every time I would make a mistake, someone would raise their voice at me.

Causing my insides to shake,

much like the bass in this song is doing now.

Making me afraid to ever make a mistake again.

I could say that I used to sob

every time I would hear the volume of someone’s voice rise.

But at a young age, I realized that people would laugh at me for crying,

which I have always found a little messed up, ya know? It’s like, hey, I’m sad, you should be happy about that.

I didn’t cry, but I could feel the anxiety creeping up my spine as her fingers turned up sound.

The window was my personal bible.

I had faith that the outside world would come and save me from this war.

I prayed that the trees would just stretch their branches over to me, and wrap them around my arm

Let them give me a car ride instead.

My breath quickened

My heart started to beat to the rhythm of this torturous song.

My ears went numb.

My eyes were still closed.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

The spiraling of the road mixed with the lump in my throat.

My head ached in the worst possible way.

I was wondering if my friend even remembered my existence in her backseat

I thought that I was shaking enough for the entire car to shake with me.

Her fingers kept turning the paint chipped knob

Stereo vibrating, nearly busted speakers screamed

Screamed and screamed.

“Hey, are you okay?”

I open my eyes.

Everything suddenly disappeared, the beats and voices stopped.

As I looked at my friend, worried expression painted on her face,

I realized that the song was never even playing.

Radio quiet, volume down.

The entire time, it was just the beat to a broken record in my mind.

…it still happens.

-jls

Click here to read my poetry book 🙂

This poem is based off of the many lucid dreams that I have had. A lucid dream is where you’re dreaming, and you are aware that you are dreaming. You can control nearly every aspect of your dream, and can make anything happen. It’s quite fun.

My eyes close every night

The moon becomes my only light

Shadows dance and dreams emerge

I try not to indulge in my nightly splurge

I run and jump across a bottomless lake

Searching for every opportunity I am willing to take

A place where reality doesn’t seem to stay in line

Though, if it did, this would be a much less interesting rhyme

Crawling out of my window into a pool of sunlight

But only seconds ago darkness flooded my sight

Lifting my arms and flicking my wrist

The sky transforms into an endless abyss

Intimidating dark clouds ripple, and as I blink

They are suddenly splotched with soft peaches and pinks

A slow, soothing tune pulls my mind into a trance

I look, and discover that the shadows are starting to dance

My feet fall into the rhythm

I smile, and wonder why people fear them

Light bounces with every laugh

I try to keep up with the shadow’s task

My mind won’t let me stay for long

So I am forced to end my song

Gently, my arms float down to my sides

I stifled a sob, as I caused the shadows to cry

Waving farewell to the world I have made

I wish more than anything that I could have stayed

But the universe spoke of adventures I have yet to seize

So I leave this peaceful world with ease

My eyelids slowly open, and, once again

The dark is my returning forever friend

I peek out my window, and smile at the moon

For blessing me with dreams that I shall reunite with soon

-jls

Click here to read my poetry book 🙂

I looked down at my body, and said, “someone finally loves you”.

It replied, “I wanted you to love me first.”

-jls

Stuggling with body confidence, aren’t we all? I tell others that they are beautiful and perfect, yet behind closed doors I am the worst critic of myself. Some days I love my soft belly and curves. Other days, I wish more than anything I could be anyone but myself.

You’re beautiful. I..I am beautiful.

We need to learn how to love our own skin.

It takes time.

I open my eyes.

Darkness blankets them, causing me to wonder if my eyelids have deceived me.

My mind drifts away, as my body attempts to repel whatever has latched onto me.

The first place my mind reaches

Is my safe space.

The only place that makes me feel like I am okay.

His eyelids closed, away in a dream.

Peaceful, soft-skin like the touch of a candle.

I can tell his thoughts are starting to ramble.

I want to reach out, I want to be there,

but so many miles are between us.

My mind looks down at him, a light breaks through his chest.

It’s pulsing, quick and in rhythm-

Heartbeats have never been so bright

His heart.

His heart holds me despite the distance.

My thoughts are constantly entranced.

He will never know how much of my love he has stolen,

He will hold it forever, forever, next to his heart.

As I lay here, I forget how to rhyme-

Sleep is suddenly foreign to me-

He is the only one on my mind.

-jls